if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
