Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
