i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
