he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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