We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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