I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
