Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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