it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
