my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
