batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
