Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
