that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
