puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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