i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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