Non-Jews are for practice
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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