I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
