Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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