Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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