i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
