You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
