is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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