idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
