So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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