the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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