I cannot find my penis.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
