Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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