After last night, I could never be a politician.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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