like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
