Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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