Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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