You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
