just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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