I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
