so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
