the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
