hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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