I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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