I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
