i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
