he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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