i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
