he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
