Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
