I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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