he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
