God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
