Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
