im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
