I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
