Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
