She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
