i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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