2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
