Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
