whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
